A Texan’s List for Comin’ on Down

Don’t know if y’all heared it or not, but the American Christian Fiction Writers national get-together is comin’ to town soon. Reckin with all these ferinners comin at us from all over the United States one a us Texans oughta try to welcome these nice folk proper like. Don’t ya think?

Got ta speculatin bout how ta do it right t’other day so I asked the Good Lord bout it. He says ta speak their language. That got me ta scratchin my noggin cuz they talks funny like. The Good Lord didn’t say nuthin more so I knew He left me to figger it out all by my lonesome. Dag-gum-it that can sure frustrate a feller.

I knowed a passel of em likes to use them possessed computer fandangles, so I set a spell to de-syfer they’z talk. Sawed a herd of em makin lists on what ta gather for they’z get-together. I sez, “shucks, Lord, I kin do that.” So I sit aggin to fixin a list fer them nice folk.

I come up with ten things they need sure as shootin. Just weren’t sure how ta lay em out to make the best sense. Got to scratchin my noggin aggin. Thought bout puttin em in order of portance, then the Good Lord taps me on the shoulder a might and a smiled.

Ya sees, I sawed somethin a spell ago bout the devil, Good Lord showed me I reckon. That devil is a cagey old coot. Yes-sirree,  as sly as they come he is. Ya sees, he likes to give folks the best thing first to trap em where he can end em.

The Good Lord knows the best way ta treat folk. He saves the best fer last. So that’s what I’m fixin to do, start ya at 10 and work to the best. Not really that much difference in em all, but I did my best. I’ll let er rip!

10. Bring a hankerin fer ‘Howdy.” Y’all’s gonna meet a pile a folk here. Some ya knowed, some ya ain’t see’d bafore. In Texas we be friendly folk, so we says ‘Howdy’ to folk we sees. So practice it now, I say.

9. Bring some fancy duds. They say twill be a shin-dig the last evenin so y’all want to look ya best I betcha. Sunday best makes sense ta me. If it’s good nuf fer the Good Lord it should be good nuf fer all, I say. Ya don’t want to miss the Gay-la here. No sir-ree, this hoe-down will have a show-down I hears. Givin ay-wards to some good writer folk. I never put much stock in such matters though, I worked through some books other folk liked and I just scratch my noggin and the same the other way around. So, if ya don’t heared ya name don’t believe the Good Lord won’t use that book to tell a good story, no sir-ree.

8. Put on yer nice britches the rest of the time. Sunday go to meetin duds be a might high and mighty fer the other times, I hears. Don’t go around in the ones ya rode the trail in, but somethin ya kin set a spell in, I say.

7. Put on the good boots, no spurs. We don’t need yer daugs hollerin at ever’body cuz they hurt. They’s a might bit a amblin to do batwixt sittin. Spurs will only make it bad on other nice folk standin they ground near ya. So, leave em at home, I say.

6. Bring somethin ta writes with. I knowed a passel o ya wants to put yer words in one a them possessed computer fandangles, but most of the folk in this corral be wimmen. Ain’t nothin wrong with bein wimmen or nothing, but, one thing I notice bout wimmen-folk: once they beggins ta yackin they likely to out-talk any eelectronic fandangle ya bring. So, bring a pencil or pen and a heap a paper cuz, if yer like me, yer gonna want to write a bunch down before ya fergit it once ya walk out the door, I say.

5. Git yer rest bafore ya come. This rodeo will have ya spinnin more than an eight second bronk ride. So come ready to ride the long trail while yer here. Cuz those wimmen-folk will want ta yack more than they want to sleep, I betcha.

4. Bring the Good Book. Yer Bible shouldn’t be collectin dust at home. The best best-seller has all the lessons yer ever gonna need for whatever yer gonna do in life. Even story-tellin, I say.

3. Tote e-nuf gumption ta stand with the crowd. They’s gonna be a heap o folk who’s been to quite a few a these rodeos. Don’t make us go pullin up rocks to find ya just cuz ya don’t think ya cain’t ride in this stampede. Even the old-timers here never had a book once, when they was yunger. Hear what they say and y’all can do so to those behind ya later, I say.

2. Don’t go gettin high falutin, neither. If ya hears ya name at the Gay-la, or ya have someone say uh-huh to a story ya wrote, ya won’t be worth nuthin to no-one if ya cain’t fit a ten-gallon hat. That don’t go makin the Good Lord happy. I ain’t never see’d a crown we’s gonna git in Heaven, but, sure as shootin, they don’t come in too-big size. If ya head gits that big go dunk in the water tank, I say.

1. Be fixin to see the Good Lord! Now, I done been walkin with the Good Lord beside me since I was knee-high to a horned toad and I knows for a fact He’ll be at a place with so many of His kin-folk hangin around. Be countin on it! He don’t go lookin like us cuz He be The Spirit, too. Y’all know He be there when he is. I just knows it. He’ll be smilin big as Texas.

Now that’s a fact, y’all.

Keep smilin’.   Wade

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10 Comments

  1. dingo4mum

    Hil.ari.ous! I would practice my “Howdy”, but seeing as I’m comin’ in from Australia (pronounced Us-stray-ya) I’ll be saying “G’day!” instead. A great post. 🙂

    • G’day will definitely stand out, Lucy. But, when you see me I expect a heavily Aussie-accented “Howdy.”
      Perhaps I’ll let it slide if you wear a ten-gallon hat.

      • dingo4mum

        You may certainly have a heavily accented “Howdy” 🙂 Tell me, where can I buy a ten-gallon hat? I’d LOVE to own one, I guess the horse is optional to drink out of the hat…

        I guess the typical Aussie outfit of a singlet, thongs and a pair of stubbies shorts would stand out as well, but I’ll be listening to your advice and “put me nice britches on”. See ya round like a rissole.

      • I can tell you’re going to be a hard lass to keep up with. Like ridin with a lit stick a dynomite in yer saddlebag, I reckin.
        I’m not too familiar with Grapevine, Texas, but I’m sure somebody can direct you to a store during the Friday night free time so y’all kin fetch a proper ten-gallon hat.

  2. Cute, Wade! But I shore does hope that folks don’t actually thank we’un talk like this normal-like!

    • Shore fire, Little Lady. I mean, um, yeah, I know what you mean. I have worked with some guys who do talk that way. I had to stifle a smile more times than I can remember. So far my biggest response has come from an Aussie who now wants to know where she can get a ten gallon hat. Go figger. 🙂

      • Lol! And I had a neighbor in college from West Texas who spoke like he had to think about how to manipulate his tongue for each word. This here state-a-ours shores got its uniquities.

      • We have a woman in our adult fellowship class who’s from Midland, she had fun trying to teach Texan to a seminary student from Romania. The poor guy never could decipher ‘fixin’. Imagine that.

  3. Thanks for the pingback Lucy. I’ll see you next week. 🙂

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